22nd Oct 2017
The day I took the steroids, in a hospital, with eczema herpeticum, risking organ infection yet again.
Hubby revealed how useless he thinks this steroid withdrawal is, Being assured by both TCM and the dermatologist I finally took the steroid, tears flowing non-stop.
It was really hard for me.
3.5years of hard work and sacrifices all down the drain. The pain and torture of the withdrawal. The pain, inconveniences and discomfort of using natural remedies.
The loss of job.
Of time not being with my baby boy.
All for nothing.
It’s all the same. I cried to God. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER be the pretty mummy my mummy is. I can never be like her for my son.
I cried to God. My struggle is still the same before when I chose to believe in Buddhism. Why do I have to be stuck. Parents over reacting, no tolerance for letting me suffer and so specialist and strong medications for quick fixes always given. Parents not able to accept the guy I loved and pressured us to break up and rushing me to marry and I thought it’s safe to give myself a chance and throw myself to any available guy who again cannot cope with the pressures from my parents . Marrying a guy who don’t want to be responsible for me.
3.5years of hard work. Putting my foot down finally to my parents this is the way. Say they will support me yet doubt every effort and natural therapy doctor I chose to trust. Inconveniences not tolerated fully and priority for me to get well was not there.
I wailed to God. Everyone else healed. 3.5years and I am still dealing with infection which is very clear I cannot control my inflammation at all.
I admit defeat. All my ex-colleagues and friends will secretly think I am such a funny person to do this and failed. So much is invested and lost.
It’s a joke.
I faced this alone while I texted my hubby about my sadness and that I admitted all these truths.
He did….. NOTHING.
Not even a text. I will not forget this day he left me all alone to face this hard truth of giving up. I checked in hospital myself and checked out all by myself.
I think he felt forsaken, that day when I made that decision with my dad and not involving him, to stop working temporarily. I left him alone to deal with the finances and he never forgave me. He said I made the decision and just informed him. It’s not a discussion. He felt forced. I myself always succumb to pressures by dad for immediate decision and informing superiors. That day really, was the point of betrayal for hubby. He did want to let go when I moved back. He tried to get intimate with me and I criticized his mum and he felt hatred. That I am so selfish to leave son to be taken care of by MIL and yet I criticsed MIL. I guess he did try.
But I will move on. Time to live on steroids and it’s for life now. Earn money to pay father back, throw cash at hubby and work for charities on my own.
I can be stronger now.