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Monthly Archives: January 2017

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31st Jan 2017 / 2 years 192days – Sabotaging My Own Healing

  • Itchiness: Severe
  • Flaking : Minimal
  • Burning skin: Moderate
  • Redness: Limbs
  • Soreness : Hands, limbs
  • Weeping skin : Limbs, Hands
  • Mood : Unforgiving

When I have no support whatsoever
When I cannot do the right treatment
When I cannot even launder my bandages properly
Healing itches
Then I destroy and setback the healing
I itch, I suffer, I hate
I m so alone

31Jan2017 itchy healing

31Jan2017 itchy healing

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I am not asking for advices
I just need some prayers

So much bitterness, I cannot lay my eyes on her or her son who resembles her, and my child who in turn resembles his dad and loves her. I no longer see possibility of claiming back my place in my home. I see her, i feel like throwing up. Any physical contact, I irk. She treated me with disgust infront of domestic helper and child, I do the same.

Good advice received: What is the most important role of a parent? To teach your children the right way and to be happy. Sometimes the right way is not the conventional way.

But it matters to me, that parents cannot accept anything other than the conventional way. It matters to me if they feel as if I disgrace them.

 

 

SKIN UPDATE

The TCM is still working well, I saw progress especially in my hands

26Jan17 - first time i see complete healing at side of palm..... only to destroy today 31/1/17

26Jan17 – first time i see complete healing at side of palm….. only to destroy today 31/1/17

img_4815 img_4816 img_4817

then today I had to scratch and sabotage my own healing

I could have faster healing if I am allowed to concentrate on it. Been a month, sticking to it another one. Hope to see persistent healing amidst all the self-sabotaging caused by all my crazy scratching.

24th Jan 2017 / 2 years 185days – Believing My Own Judgement


  • Itchiness: Mild

  • Flaking : Minimal
  • Burning skin: Minimal
  • Redness: Torso, limbs, face
  • Soreness : Hands, limbs, chest, face
  • Weeping skin : Limbs
  • Mood : Resigned

Took me a really really long time to learn, not to doubt my own judgement.

Took me a really really long time, to validate my emotions and realise that I am on the same page as anyone given the exact same situation.

I no longer want to question my judgement of morals, reasonableness, “common sense”.

SO

I am not allowed to cook for my son and hubby, because I will spread germs to them. They won’t like my cooking either. you made their meals extra sweet, salty and oily, they find all other foods less flavourful.  I watch my son get poisoned with white sugar everyday, getting into the dreaded Sugar Addiction Cycle, and stuffed appetite getting bigger everyday. All that carbs stored as fats making him obese. And for that ONE day a week he goes to my parents you say they overfed him because we feed him a full meal instead of snacking around the clock. How can habits be cultivated over that few hours a week, compared to your stuffing him with sweets and fried foods around the clock ?!

I  am not even allowed the simple duty of cooking meesuah and eggs for my son, cause apparently I am poisoning him with alcohol. Please educate yourself, talking as a person who feeds him ceylon tea, bacon, sausages, fishballs, macdonalds every week!  I am cooking and evaporating away the alcohol content. Who are you to say my soup is horrible? Yes, it is an acquired taste, it is not as flavourful as your traditional salty and oily cooking and curries, but I have cooked this many times over the years for my family. My family thinks its got the right original taste, and my hubby don’t mind it, so please don’t put your family’s judgement over everyone else’s. Certainly not my hubby’s and son’s.

All the clothes and toiletries I bought for my son are apparently not good enough, only those bought by the Aunt is. Everything from shoes, underwear, insect repellent, toys to stationeries….. etc etc. Is she the mother? Is she taking my place?

Where is the basic respect of asking me as the mother first whenever you guys want to take him out last minute? Its like it does not matter what I have already planned for him. Everything is not as important as the family wanting to bring him out in a rush, and I am supposed to surrender him dropping whatever I am doing.

I am not close to my son cause he always cries for someone else whenever he needs comforting. Funny you say I spoilt my son so he is getting so disobedient at Terrible Twos, even though I hardly get to spend time with him.

How can you take out your temper at my son, when you are having an argument with me or your son? I see your hands tremble and shaking clearly unable to handle your temper, but you hit my son with hangers, pinched him with a clothes peg and left a red handprint on his thigh. You call this discipline? Acting out your temper on my son? Then saying sorry after? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? And yet you say I spoil him even though whenever I try to discipline him, he is taken away for nap, bath, eating or rushing to go out. And I was carrying out disciplinary actions without laying my hands on him, and even if I choose to, it is with a clear mind to educate and not out of temper.

So you told me its okay to feed my son medication meant to be after food like FOUR whole hours after any food. You think I’m stupid? And I asked you to allow me to check with the doctor, and you said no need you are very sure. I did so anyway and I am glad the answer is within half hour. I almost wanted to emphasis how the same amount of food can be digested TWICE in that 4 hours. RIDICULOUS! So you said you raised 4/5 kids and they are all well brought-up. Sure MY ASS! Well brought-up with HBP, high cholesterol, obesity and now I am even more sure, gastric issues!

Then there is one who said my son is aggressive because of the subtle “fighting” at home. Sure. Was it me who yells at another in front of him? Was it me who slammed doors in his presence? Was it me who speaks in harsh sarcasm terms? Was it me laying my hands on him and rough-handling him unable to control my own anger? I am teaching him to be gentle, but I can only see all these bad things influencing him more.

 

It is then I realised, I am even more stupid to doubt myself, question my acquired long-term knowledge, and allow myself to be confused by these people, to quietly take all this treatments because I feel indebted to these people for taking care of my son in my inability to do my rightful duties. And why should I be concerned of the warning not to shame the family online in blogs or Facebook? Why should I care if I wash dirty linen in public?

img_4818

Take my son. I already lost him. I did this on my own accord. I married for freedom, and I got freedom. But I lost motherhood cause I didn’t know what I got myself into when I bore a son. I didn’t know I could love this much. I misjudged that the one could give me freedom actually controls so much, and the one I thought would control actually was the one who understands and trusts us to be responsible parents. I didn’t know it hurts so bad to be such a bad mother. And now I leave him to be taken care of by someone else. I cannot claim him back anymore. The day I chose to marry into this family, I lost him even before he was born.

 

16th Jan 2017 / 2 years 177days – The Abrupt Change in the New Year

  • Itchiness: Severe
  • Flaking : Severe
  • Burning skin: Minimal
  • Redness: Torso, limbs, face
  • Soreness : Hands, limbs, face
  • Weeping skin : Limbs
  • Mood : Renewed

Sorry about my very abrupt negative post previously.

2 posts back, I reported that my shedding has decreased to a new low, and even shared pictures of my hands in healing.https://zombiebegone.wordpress.com/2016/11/22/22nd-nov-2016-2-years-122days-is-the-zombie-really-leaving-now/

I think, for the whole TSW journey, my hands were at its best then. Actually that was the best healing I had.

Then just before new year, I abruptly shared how I discovered I had prolactinoma and how things took a downturn.

img_4295

20Dec16 – hands cracking and stopped healing

Then now,  my hand regressed to this again.

 

Mainly due to a major change I did not update all, I moved back to live with my hubby and son on 3rd Dec 2016. While my relationship with my hubby improved (he introduced me to his new friends for the new year countdown. we had such a lovely time with beautiful fireworks and my son was so happy.) due to the move, my skin really suffered. It was a toll on me that those newly living with me could not tolerate my awful stench nor the sweet lavender fragrance of my essential oils strangely. I was not allowed to soak my clothes overnight or more than 2 hours, necessary to rid of the oils and stench of my fragrance-free washing by MIL, and yet am complained to about the smell left behind after every shower, and persistent smell from my washed clothes, beddings, etc. I was told off that the utilities bill increased due to my return as I need to cook my meals at home and wash all my bandages. I can’t turn right, I can’t turn left, I decreased my application of my treatments, and washed only when necessary. And TA-DAH, I regressed.

It was the height of the inflammation just a week before my son’s school starts in the new year that I got desperate and seeked whatever my remaining funds could leave me to. I was back to shivering hot and cold, and since I have already put all my funds in NAET and essential oils previously, I chose to seek a strong dose of TCM again. So there, I was STILL reluctant to let TSW go totally. All my hardwork….. I really felt pity for myself.

Daddy watsapp-ed me. http://gingkotcm.com.sg/

This looked familiar. I quickly browsed over to Juliana’s blog.

https://antisteroid.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/special-post-my-new-tcm-lifestyle/

I contacted Juliana, and after getting some encourgements, and overcoming my disappointment with my previous TCM experiences, I hopped over to the clinic with high hopes.

And I think, I got it right this time.

This sinseh has countless of TSW warriors all healed under his supervision. The first thing he always does for all the sufferers: emphasis on cleaning and disinfecting. This part the sinseh I was with for the first 14months of my TSW did not address, and hence my landing in hospital with eczema herpeticum.

Of course, the first thoughts from the negative part of me “why didn’t I head here sooner?”

Then the positive part of me “Even Juliana only discovered this place in the past year, I wouldn’t have known, better late than never yah?”

He emphasised the messages that got me started on TSW in the first place, how everyone DOES heal and how everyone’s journey differs. And then he said that since I already had been away from steroid past 2 years, he does  not think I need suffer too long anymore. He asked me to stay with him for 2 months to see results.

WOW, such confidence.

And within the next few days, my skin did react positively to his herbs and washes. Although the washes stung me badly the first time I used them, I think it was necessary to guard against infection and tone down the inflammation. Usually at this point, the first thoughts that come to my brain will be “could there be steroids in his herbs?” But my Daddy pointed, since I was already contemplating stopping TSW with steroids anyway, why does it matter whether this TCM uses their version of steroids or not?

Quite right.

I was assured his herbs did not contain any. And his explanations fits my understanding of TSW, and what I have been going through in my journey. So, faith renewed and willing, I am sticking to this TCM for the next 2 months at least. I can only keep praying and be diligent as much as I can with my new household.

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8th Jan 17 Drying up from the new TCM herbs

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8th Jan 17 Drying up from the new TCM herbs

Meanwhile, finances is almost zero for me. With insurance payments and housing loan payments due, I am desperately searching for a part-time job. But when I do get selected for interviews, employers were doubtful on how long I can last in their air-conditioned offices. I did show some uncertainty in assuring them that as well. I really do not know. I still hurt, and the bottom line is still, that if my hands do not heal, I cannot work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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