Home » Uncategorized » 27th Mar 2016 / 1yr 248days – I’m So Sorry I’m Terribly Immature

27th Mar 2016 / 1yr 248days – I’m So Sorry I’m Terribly Immature

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  • Itchiness: Intense
  • Flaking : Moderate
  • Burning skin: Minimal
  • Redness: Whole body
  • Soreness : Limbs, neck
  • Weeping skin : Limbs, neck, perioral region
  • Mood : Suicidal

I’m so sorry to have a toxic parent, you satisfy all the criteria of a toxic person.

I’m so sorry your marriage is a mistake. I am sorry I am born a mistake.

I’m so sorry your lives are about bread and butter, that you cannot understand emotional health needs of your children  of the late 70s / early 80s.

I am so sorry I am pessimistic, I am programmed that way.

I am so sorry I didn’t stay single to have an adopted child so my TSW wouldn’t affect too many people.

I am so sorry I married. I am so blessed with a beautiful child tho.

I am so sorry I lost my job, I lost my security, I lost my looks, I lost everything.

I am so sorry I caused distress. No I did not think your income is rubberized to stretch for every expenses. I know its impossible in Singapore.

I am so sorry I became so hideous and different from that girl you fell in love with.

I am so sorry I became an obligation.

I am so sorry I did not kill myself when I was 14 and the tendency and courage might have been there.

I am so sorry I fail as a daughter, wife and mum.

I am so sorry I started this and affected EVERYONE around me. I regret. If I had known my immune system is already so damaged and hence the time needed is uncertain beyond 2 years, I wouldn’t have started this. And I give it another year. Maybe I’ll go back to steroids if everything is still stalling. Then if I get blind… I’ll move to another country and kill myself.

I am so sorry I am losing sanity.

I am so sorry I am so immature.

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10 Comments

  1. newresolution4life says:

    Hello SueAnne! I understand that you are feeling sad and I can only imagine how much you are suffering 😦 but don’t forget that you have come a long way, you are getting better… but it seems like it is never going to go away… don’t despair, it will be over one day and things will be normal again! I see in your past posts that it seems like you are getting better, don’t give up! Your little boy knows that you love him 🙂 Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lulu C says:

    SueAnne, hang in there! I know it is hard, and the road seems long but you’ve made it this far, don’t give up! You are progressing well! Your health comes first in this difficult time, so don’t be too hard on yourself okay? XX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a strong woman for even attempting this path. It was always going to be a long, stressful and emotional road but you took it to better yourself. It doesn’t matter what other people think (although I know you may care as you hate seeing yourself like this) but this will be over and you’ll look back and think about the hardship but also the strength you had to overcome this. I’m going through the same thing and I get like this sometimes but I just think about the future and how much it means for me to overcome this. You’re very brave, never forget that huni xx

    Like

    • SueAnne says:

      Hi Sweetie, yes I noted your blog and how you are fighting this yourself. Please stay strong for the rest of us… THanks for reaching out to me…. times like this, I don’t really know who can understand except you TSW warriors…I just want my life back.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s so true. No one will understand but us TSW warriors. No problem, you need a little pick me up. Don’t else we all have days like this tbh. Have you heard of organic burst? It might be worth a try😊

        Like

  4. Lori says:

    I am so sorry of what u are going through. If all these time u are not getting better maybe u have really bad eczema. Like the other tsw warrior Julianna said she believed she should be done with tsw and she is not recovered yet because she still has bad eczema. Are u still taking TCM? I have been seeing a 中醫 and drinking Chinese herbs for six months, and I am seeing improvments. Yes the herbs are expensive, but I believe it works. Also, I am taking 5000 IU vitamin D daily and I strongly believe it helps with skin healing as well. I am using less and less steroids right now, probably just a tiny bit every few days. I keep using it because I believe infections make your eczema 100 times worse. Maybe this is not the best time in your life to do tsw? I tried it for a few months and now I think about it I totally regret doing it because I was not getting better and I had no life at all and was suicidal. But that’s just me. You are a brave and strong warrior to have endure all this suffering. Stay strong and there are always other options to help. You are not in a dead end. You don’t have to care what other people think, you do what u think its best for you and your family. Take care and cheer up! Tomorrow is a better day!

    Like

    • SueAnne says:

      Hi there Lori, yes I had TCM with me throughout say 15mths of the journey. I do not know whether it helped extensively but I think it would have been worse without the herbs. Even then, it has been a rough ride and like youe say, no life and suicidal. I do not know when but I MIGHT take your path to end TSW if things are still stalling for too long…. If you say you ended TSW, then how did you go back to steroids and how are you managing it now?

      Like

      • Lori says:

        I stopped using steroids for 4-5 months last year and I changed in a vegan diet and my skin just got worse and worse. I was oozing and bleeding all over my body and I didn’t want to be seen and I didn’t want to socialize and meet up with friends. I was a very dark time. When my boys touched my shoulder where It was painful I couldn’t control my anger and I shouted at them. I felt so bad afterwards and I felt like my boys deserves a mom who can truly be there for them and care for them. As time went by I didn’t see any improvements, I was losing hair and lost a lot of weight. My friend was really concerned and she said maybe this wasn’t working. I then decided to ask my dr for a round of prednisone (oral steroid) to speed up my healing and stopped all the oozing and bleeding. I know oral steroid is bad but since like maybe 50% of my body was covered in eczema this is the best way to get it back under control. After two weeks when I am finished with prednisone the itch and rash came back, which was expected, I then use very small amount of topical steroids on the spots that are rashy and bleeding. I also started seeing 中醫。She said my body was very weak and vegan diet made my body very 寒。 I started eating meat again except seafood, beef, lamp, duck etc those that considered “poison” by 中醫. First few months I almost need to use steroid daily, but my skin was slowly getting better because of the herbs. This month is almost the 8th month, and started last month I finally felt better. I could finally sleep for like 6 hours straight at night. Before I was waking up every 2 hours and I got at most 4-5 hrs sleep at night because of the itch. Do u boil the herbs or u are taking herbs in capsule form? I believe boiling herbs is more effective. I heard acupuncture also helps but I never tried because I was too embarrassed to show my skin. Now I still have rash on my body but they are dried. My skin is not oozing anymore, and not bleeding as much, which I considered a big improvement. If u want I can ask my 中醫 what herbs I am taking, and u can ask your dr if they are suitable for u. I really hope u can feel better. IT breaks my heart to see u suffer like that and not be able to spend more time with your son.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. increddyble says:

    Hey Sue!

    Its ok to be sad, dont ever forget that its been so long, and that you have achieved so much – and at the end of the day you have people around you that truly love you 🙂

    Let yourself be sad and angry, but from that fight harder and become a better person, because you have achieved so much already and are so much stronger than 99.9999% of the people out there!

    Head up x

    Liked by 1 person

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