Home » Uncategorized » 25th Jan 2016 / 1yr 186days – Depression, in Abstract

25th Jan 2016 / 1yr 186days – Depression, in Abstract

February 2016
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  • Itchiness: Moderate
  • Flaking : Intense
  • Burning skin: Minimal
  • Redness: Calves, feet, hands
  • Soreness : Thighs, hands.
  • Weeping skin : Calves, hands, face
  • Mood : Hopeless

Since I started work on the 14th Dec, I had been patient in getting my skin used to the new lifestyle. The working hours increased from 3 half-days a week to 3 full-days a week from January onwards. I still flake everyday, with 1 major flaking off every 3rd day. And as my colleague noticed, I wasn’t really working. I was scratching 5 mins after perhaps every 1 work task.  I get so cold I keep hugging my cup of hot water, unable to concentrate on anything much. Productivity is less than half of how it used to be.

As part of my treatment regime,  my maid wet wraps my limbs every night. One night during wet-wrapping, I casually spoke to her about me having to work full time 5 days a week soon in February. She said to me “But you go work, your hands red and open.” What she was trying to say, is that my palm lines split open and are raw, sometimes bleeding.

This afternoon, I got so cold, I was hugging my cup as usual. The night before, I had hardly slept again as I was kept awake by the discomfort of thick dead skin starting to peel off, and yet is not peeling off (ah….you know?). This dead skin in the office aircon cracked and my fingers started bleeding. I felt pain and weak, I quickly left after lunch and claiming urgent leave. I walked briskly to sit in a nearby bus stop, seeking solace and comfort in the warm sun. I stared at my fingers, afraid that people could see, then I started crying. I teared silently, for a good half hour, at the bus stop when there was not much people around. I started to doubt, how can I carry on? I don’t want to lose what I have built for myself in this company. It was not easy getting to the position I am in, and I do have a sense of belonging here.

As per my last posts, I have periods when I am inconsolable. When I feel things are stagnant, and looking at my hands and calves, things have been stagnant for a good year. Hands healing is stalled from the sulphur lake trip and still having repercussions from it. Feeling unworthy of being healed, that I am ignored for a reason. That I am unloved even by parents when I have a child myself. Beating myself up and others, not being patient with anyone, feeling my brain torn apart. Feeling most ugly, inside and outside, blaming people for everything and not accepting / understanding their ways of loving me. Unable to believe I will ever heal, noting that emotional healing miracles seem to happen only to cancer patients.

I need strength, I need faith., I need control over my scratching.

If scratching stalls TSW progress, I am in deep shit.

I scratch beyond believable, until I get breathless from pain and itch.

Help.

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Lori says:

    Hi, I have been following your blog for a while. I also have severe eczema for nearly 4 years and I have been struggling every day. I started TCM 6 months ago and have been drinking Chinese herbs everyday for the past 6 months and seems to have shown some improvement. I tried to stop topical steroid for 4 months last year and I was in hell. I couldn’t function and couldn’t give my then 3 year old twin boys the attention they deserved. I was so depressed and suicidal. I then made a decision to start using minimal amount of steroid cream on myself again so I can take care of my family, and at the same time started TCM. I admire your courage to stop topical steroid and for going through the pain and itch. Recently in a Eczema Facebook group I discovered Dr Aron. I then joined the Dr Aron treatment discussion group and found a lot of successful cases of slowly tapering off steroid with no withdrawal. I think u should just join the group and read about what other patients say and their stories. I haven’t started Dr Aron treatment but it will be my next step if TCM doesn’t work. I feel so sorry to see you suffer like this and just hope you can find a way to manage eczema and at the same time have a “normal” life. Here is the link to Dr Aron discussion group. Again, I am not his patient yet I am observing but it looks very promising and I would give it a try in the future.

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/draron/

    Lori

    Like

    • SueAnne says:

      Hi Lori. Thanks for reading my blog. It is readers like you that make me feel less alone…. and sane….. And yes I am aware of Dr Aron’s method, but because he uses high amounts of anti biotics and toggles with different strengths of steroid to wean off, I am skeptical. But I admit TCM does not work for everyone and it is terribly expensive. I wish you the best in trying out Dr Aron, and with the absolute high rate of success, perhaps you will let me know when you are cured.

      Like

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