- Itchiness: Moderate
- Flaking : Intense
- Burning skin: Minimal
- Redness: Calves, feet, hands
- Soreness : Thighs, hands.
- Weeping skin : Calves, hands, face
- Mood : Hopeless
Since I started work on the 14th Dec, I had been patient in getting my skin used to the new lifestyle. The working hours increased from 3 half-days a week to 3 full-days a week from January onwards. I still flake everyday, with 1 major flaking off every 3rd day. And as my colleague noticed, I wasn’t really working. I was scratching 5 mins after perhaps every 1 work task. I get so cold I keep hugging my cup of hot water, unable to concentrate on anything much. Productivity is less than half of how it used to be.
As part of my treatment regime, my maid wet wraps my limbs every night. One night during wet-wrapping, I casually spoke to her about me having to work full time 5 days a week soon in February. She said to me “But you go work, your hands red and open.” What she was trying to say, is that my palm lines split open and are raw, sometimes bleeding.
This afternoon, I got so cold, I was hugging my cup as usual. The night before, I had hardly slept again as I was kept awake by the discomfort of thick dead skin starting to peel off, and yet is not peeling off (ah….you know?). This dead skin in the office aircon cracked and my fingers started bleeding. I felt pain and weak, I quickly left after lunch and claiming urgent leave. I walked briskly to sit in a nearby bus stop, seeking solace and comfort in the warm sun. I stared at my fingers, afraid that people could see, then I started crying. I teared silently, for a good half hour, at the bus stop when there was not much people around. I started to doubt, how can I carry on? I don’t want to lose what I have built for myself in this company. It was not easy getting to the position I am in, and I do have a sense of belonging here.
As per my last posts, I have periods when I am inconsolable. When I feel things are stagnant, and looking at my hands and calves, things have been stagnant for a good year. Hands healing is stalled from the sulphur lake trip and still having repercussions from it. Feeling unworthy of being healed, that I am ignored for a reason. That I am unloved even by parents when I have a child myself. Beating myself up and others, not being patient with anyone, feeling my brain torn apart. Feeling most ugly, inside and outside, blaming people for everything and not accepting / understanding their ways of loving me. Unable to believe I will ever heal, noting that emotional healing miracles seem to happen only to cancer patients.
I need strength, I need faith., I need control over my scratching.
If scratching stalls TSW progress, I am in deep shit.
I scratch beyond believable, until I get breathless from pain and itch.