- Itchiness: Intense
- Flaking : Very severe
- Burning skin: Every night
- Redness: Severe
- Soreness : Limbs.
- Weeping skin : Calves, ears, FACE, neck, groin
- Mood : Swinging extremes
So, I really had wanted to wait till my calves are dry and really write a “vomiting post”
Really! I was struggling through tensed emotions with all at home, and I was hanging on to sanity. I felt drained and felt less and less motivated. The itch everyday, the discomfort every day, is killing me. Staying positive became more and more difficult. I lashed out at my loved ones on what I really think of them all my life, that I am so ungrateful I think they have actually destroyed my life. I blamed them for all the choices I have made and where I am today. So yeah, I wanted to do a “vomiting” post to reveal the raw real me. To show all my hatred. No pretence. But again, I need to sit still with no ooze on my calves.
That day never came. Instead, I am updating you in a worser state. Typical of a procrastinator eh? Still oozing, still flaking massively. Scratching 5 mins at every other sentence.
Fellow sufferers, I wanna ask: What constitutes a flare?
To me a flare is when ALL the symptoms are showing / increasing in intensity. I realised this flare started when I notice the sessions when I “died” is getting more and more frequent. The unmistakable burning skin. Started 2 weeks ago, with the 3rd incidence of herpeticum. This despite the bleach bath, Neem bath, microbial bath, Epsom salts, colloidal silver, what not. What freaked me out was the OOZING of the FACE. I had only 4 months more before I MUST start work and I really do not want to have an oozing face, wearing a mask everyday. And so, despite what I said previously about no more TCM, I went to one that the Facebook support group admins introduced. Mark Chern Sinseh has been helping many on this journey, male, female, young and old.
According to him, a flare is when there is inflammation characterised by redness and oozing. As long as there is ANY location with these symptoms, its a flare. So to him, I do NOT have bouts of flare. I just have one huge massive flare from day 1. Just better or worse days. He says I am one of the worst case he has seen so far albeit I am healing with sweat bouts. That gives him an idea of whether my goals are achievable or not. Goals I stated included:
- My hands MUST heal.
- My face cannot get worse
- I must be able to tolerate aircon beyond 4 hours.
He didn’t make promises. Just said he will try his best. He did emphasise our emotions govern our gut and skin health. So it is really important I change my perception of life. Easier said than done.
This flare, is exactly like what the other warriors mentioned it is: Nearly intense as the 1st flare, but not there yet. That’s all, not more no less. Even so, the agony………
I have 2 words for this flare: Bloody and painkillers.
Fingers back at the game.
The new oozing swelling face.
Skin is sooooo soft, I need only rub certain areas will bleed. Bleeding cuts at almost all folds of skin at armpits, neck, inner elbows, behind the knees, torso, groin, ears. Movement is painful. I try to huddle at the couch not moving. Bath is painful again. Sleep is misery. Fear eating much again.
So, how do I keep sane? Truth is, when I can’t stand the pain, I just collapse and keep crying, asking all those old dumb angry questions again and again. Why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? When will this end? Is this worth it? Why am I forsaken? I might as well die as Son don’t need me, blah blah… texting my closest friends to worry them. Putting scary posts on Facebook support groups. Some warriors were kind to note to me their annual flare lasted them 4 months or so. But I do only have 4 months! Then I really need to move back home to my son!
Then I saw this picture.
These are the flakes of a baby in her 2nd year of TSW. A baby, how much steroid can she be using? If she is still flaking this much at year 2, how much longer will I take? The stark realisation that I cannot sleep with my son till he is maybe 4, leaves me devastated. So again I posted negative messages on Facebook and friends tried consoling me.
I dun really know what to think.
I am housebound again, with this eerie face. Still there are things to be done. Lucklly I did some important tasks the past month or so. Guess I’ll have to ask my hubby to take charge of everything again. I am supposed to go to this sulphur hot spring in Malacca though, recommend by another warrior, who volunteered to bring us around. Hopefully it can give me some relief. But how am I to even survive the trip there???? I don’t even know if I am well enough to pack!!
I end this post, with a well written informative article on the itch we eczema sufferers endure, as compared to the normal rash itch. My sinseh wants me to believe I can stop scratching. I am still trying.