Home » Uncategorized » Day 270 – 19th Apr 2015 Patience Wearing Thin and Depression Hits

Day 270 – 19th Apr 2015 Patience Wearing Thin and Depression Hits

April 2015
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  • Itchiness: Moderate
  • Flaking : Very Severe
  • Burning skin: Minimal
  • Redness: Calves, thighs, arms, neck, jaw line, perioral area
  • Soreness : Limbs
  • Weeping skin : Calves, folds behind knees, thighs, ear lobes.
  • Mood : Depressed

New reason for unable to update my blog: heavily oozing calves. I couldn’t sit at right angle for longer than 10 minutes before ooze trickles down my calves. I still went back home to see my son twice weekly tho. I sit in the cab with my calves wrapped in gauze. wearing long pants / dresses. However, I didn’t do anything at my computer for more than a month, until an insurance payment due had me doing so now. So I am typing now kneeling on the floor… haha

Shortly after my last post, the itch got unbearable and I was posting depression posts in the Facebook TSW support group page. That got the attention of some kind souls and a couple visited me offering relief for the horrendous itch via Coleus leaves. Olive was the TSW caregiver and David was the TSW warrior. He had suffered eczema around 40 years and came into healing a while ago. He considered himself healed at 18th month TSW and is starting to work now. I can still see his elephant skin now at 20-over months, but the testimonies he gave, supported by pictures, was again really encouraging. I really appreciate that visit and their friendship!!!

I asked why he didn’t do a blog like I did, as his journey is quite remarkable (hospital stays, no TCM, full body oozing, bleeding, no financial help, etc). Olive remarked “Pictures don’t quite do it justice”. To which I agree….. they don’t. Our skin looks worse than the pictures do show. Yet if not for all these informative blogs, I wouldn’t have started this journey…….

Yet again, also if not for these blogs I wouldn’t get depressed……

Even tho veterans like Grace Ng commented that once you heal, only extreme stress will cause another flare, it baffles me that Juliana’s latest flare after she healed over a year ago is taking longer than 6 months to heal. And she looks bad! I communicated directly to her and she asks not to be affected in our TSW journey as she is certain the extreme stress that brought about this flare could have been better managed. She explained but I still do not understand why she is so certain this is not unfinished TSW.

https://antisteroid.wordpress.com/2015/04/11/month-48/

So I keep thinking….. why do this if I can be so susceptible to new flares that can handicap me that long? Even if I do take up stress management, who is to say I will not flare when my son faces PSLE? When my son goes through rebellion? When my son enters army? When my hubby is in bad health?!

Things got to a new low when I got emotional over thoughtless words and reactions by family. I got depressed I Wataspp-ed my closest friends bad thoughts.

“Feeling broken, unloved, dirty, smelly. No one is here for me. Wish I can take care of myself and clear off all relations and be on my own. Childish maybe but even my son prefers another anyway. Am a lousy mum who has only been there for him first 6 mths of his life and giving poor quality breast milk only 50% of his requirements anyway. Better off dead since its so painful at my hands  bleeding and oozing….. Tears cannot justify my pain.”

Comforting messages came hard and fast.

If not for my friends, and the Facebook support group, I don’t think I could have past the last month as well ……. Thank you all. Your words are so dear to me!

So here I am, still suffering the 2nd flare…. .

Thinking back., the 1st flare started July 24th, got manageable sometime November….. That was 4 months of flare….. This flare started CNY, and till now its like 2 months..;. .but somehow it feels worse. Perhaps its a change of attitude? During the 1st flare, I take each day at a time vs the 2nd flare when I want to heal faster. Patience is wearing thin as my son takes his first steps without me. says new words without me, gets ill without me by his side…….. Depression comes and goes….

STILL learning to be positive, surrounded by VERY negative energies around me in this darn house!

SKIN UPDATE : yes the calves are oozing BIG areas BAAAAD and skin flakes are still like sand BAAAAD. The skin flakes shown were the results of sitting at the couch for only 30mins! See coin for scale.

IMG_1146 IMG_1140 IMG_1127 IMG_1125 IMG_1124

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2 Comments

  1. juliana says:

    i’m sorry you’re feeling bad and demotivated.. but there is light at the end of the tunnel! for sure!

    and to answer your question: “why do this when i’m so susceptible to new flares”, it just means we have yet to find the correct cause of our skin issues, that’s why we’re so fragile now! but not all hope is lost. TSW is a long journey 😦 it’s very very hard on the mind, especially when things are going good for a bit and suddenly it turns bad again.

    i’m pretty certain what i am experiencing isn’t TSW because there are just many differences in terms of what i’ve went through on the different occasions! also, i’ve been observing my health for the longest of times and i noticed i showed a lot of signs and symptoms of eczema prior to my flare in october 2014 (when viewed from the TCM perspective), signs which i didn’t experience 4 years ago before i stopped steroids. i showed signs of IBS. the health of the guts has a direct relation with our overall immune health, and TCM also thinks that digestion is the root cause of many skin issues.

    the fact that i was healed for a year also means my skin has recovered from steroid damage! whatever’s happening right now is something different, well.. mainly my underlying eczema that went out of hands because i didn’t address my issue at its roots.

    which is why i’ve been trying to help my digestion get back into normalcy!

    i want to give you a hug right now 😦 sorry you have to be away from your son when he makes all those milestones in his life.. it sucks to focus on everything you’ve lost. if you can choose to focus on things you still have, or things you have gained, perhaps you’ll feel better a little!

    hope this helps!

    Like

    • SueAnne says:

      Wow, Juliana…., First I am really happy u actually read my blog!!!! Secondly, I think u are so kind to have written to address my concerns directly! !!!!
      I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest, now knowing all I have done for the past 9 mths are not for nothing.
      Your TCM seems v good cause my doesnt really recognise TSW and does not link gut health to eczema. I will b changing TCM come July. …

      again, Thanks Juliana for writing to me about this!!! I really need this. BIG HUGS TO U!!!!

      Like

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