- Itchiness: Intense
- Flaking : Very mild
- Burning skin: Very mild
- Redness: Mild
- Soreness : Mild
- Weeping skin : Groin, feet, calf
- Mood : Driven
I am actually a “the-cup-is-half-filled” person….. which means I do still think somewhat positively. Then again, quite often I get tired of the happy facade I display, and sink into depression. So I think, I am by nature, still a person who looks into the dark side.
Especially this TSW thing….. I don’t want to hang on the unrealistic ideals cause I fear disappointments a great deal. Knowing that I cannot deal with the emotional roller-coaster ride so I chose to research and understand the worst case scenarios. I prepared myself for the worst so that things can only appear to be “alright”, and I won’t have crushed hopes. This is as Eugene has very nicely put it “Trying to expect or even predict how my skin would look like day-to-day invariably leaves me feeling bitter, disparaged and angry.” (http://oregene92.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/still-suffering/)
Hence, the constant negativity facing TSW.
However, I realised all my close pals have been urging me to be positive, some of whose words always have strong impact on me. Those who knew me since I was teenager. One told me that it’s disturbing to him I am going through this difficult healing, and to “think only positive thoughts, that means no self-pity, no feeling ugly, no talking about how bad it is…..” Another wrote in the Christmas card he made me “at the end of it, a much better future, Yes no need to doubt! It’s for sure!”.
All these had me wanting to really be able to do it. But my temper, my naturally negative self, always takes over. It’s so hard!!! I searched on the internet on how to control my mind, from unwanted thoughts. Then googled on how to train my mind to be positive. I came across this article:
So everyday, I go through the list:
1. Love and accept yourself as you are right now. Start a list to remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities.
2. Free yourself from past resentments and disappointments about who you were yesterday. Stop engaging in self-blame and guilt for past acts and omissions.
3. Let go of any and all resentment you’re hanging onto about everyone and everything else. Stop looking for reasons to criticize and blame others for their acts and omissions. Let go of your desire to control others.
The past is gone. It is what it is, and cannot be changed. Let it go.
4. Stop giving your power away. Every time you choose to focus on a negative, you are depleting your reserves rather than re-charging your batteries.
Focus on circulating and re-circulating positive, life-affirming ideas.
5. Use creative visualization and your imagination to your advantage, not your detriment.
Visualize ideal outcomes and happy endings, not dire consequences.
6. Do not speak of your illness, or dis-ease with others. The more attention you place on what you don’t want in your life, the more energy it absorbs.
Starve your illness and dis-ease by refusing to dwell on them.
7. Love is the antidote to fear. If you appreciate the many blessings in your life, and express gratitude for anything and everything, you begin to flow in a healing bath. Develop an attitude of gratitude by making a list of all the things you are grateful for, including increased health and vitality.
Be grateful for the health and well-being coming your way.
8. Recognize that you have the power to heal yourself. That healing power flows from the thoughts you think. Allow positive thoughts to circulate, eliminating stress and boosting your immune system.
There is no such thing as incurable. Miracles abound.
9. Make happiness your number one priority. When you remain positive, you summon well-being, and vanquish illness and dis-ease.
When we exist in a state of happiness, we boost our immune systems and allow our bodies to use energy reserves for healing.
10. Laugh! Laugh again!
Somehow, I realised my happiness can come from ACCEPTING things as they come along. Don’t fight against it by not wanting the pain and itch. Don’t look for ideal situation. Take one day at a time. Accept and be thankful for everything and finding that there is always a positive side.
And I believe.
I have to believe. Positive energy can heal and negative toxic energy causes illness. There are studies to prove that. Everyday I have been practicing identifying negative thoughts. Then replacing them with positive ones.
I have to believe. I am losing precious growing up moments with my son. I can’t turn back time on this one. I don’t want to be an absent mother. I wanted him to sleep next to me for the 1st 5 years of his life. I am losing such precious moments day by day.
I have to believe. I must heal faster. Call it unrealistic (TSW warriors say to expect 3 years although Dr Rapaport himself put 2 years maximum), but the said miracle must happen to me. The miracle to heal to a state where I can work in air-con for more than 8 hours a day, consecutively for 5 days a week, by August next year.
It has to happen. My will to be with my son shall determine this.
Which comes to the next section: SKIN UPDATE.
I recognise what I have went through so far for the 4 months of TSW to coincide somewhat with Eugene’s graph:
Which means I am expecting the infamous 2nd flare come next month.
Currently it’s getting better. I look more human. Even the annoying cracked up hands (which I complained about in my last 2 posts) is now at a state where peeling is minimal. I am still oozing with 2 wounds at the calves, and 1 wound at my feet, also at the groin (this never stopped since it started from Day 7…hmmm). Far cry from when I started out in the 1st 3 months. I can sleep normally and I no longer shiver for reasons undetected by a thermometer. The intense itch is still unbearable, especially after moisturizer application and baths. I still look strange with elephant skin. I have all these dark spots increasingly appearing all over my legs and arms, which no TSW warriors can identify with (hmmmm…..). But I can now survive in air-con for 3 hours, compared to the previous 20mins bus ride.
And this means, I have been going out every other day to see my baby boy in the afternoon. I am also going to plan meeting up some friends who have been pretty worried about me. I had planned for my baby’s 1-year-old photo shoot, and his birthday in Jan 2014. I will also like to be with him for his next jab soon. All these to be done before I turn back into the flaking zombie state, if my skin really follows Eugene’s graph. Yes, I know everyone is different. Just IF.
Oops! Caught me! I am supposed to think of myself with great skin, playing with my son, next month and all the months after!!!
You can be positive! Stay positive everyone!!