22nd Oct 2017
The day I took the steroids, in a hospital, with eczema herpeticum, risking organ infection yet again.
Hubby revealed how useless he thinks this steroid withdrawal is, Being assured by both TCM and the dermatologist I finally took the steroid, tears flowing non-stop.
It was really hard for me.
3.5years of hard work and sacrifices all down the drain. The pain and torture of the withdrawal. The pain, inconveniences and discomfort of using natural remedies.
The loss of job.
Of time not being with my baby boy.
All for nothing.
It’s all the same. I cried to God. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER be the pretty mummy my mummy is. I can never be like her for my son.
I cried to God. My struggle is still the same before when I chose to believe in Buddhism. Why do I have to be stuck. Parents over reacting, no tolerance for letting me suffer and so specialist and strong medications for quick fixes always given. Parents not able to accept the guy I loved and pressured us to break up and rushing me to marry and I thought it’s safe to give myself a chance and throw myself to any available guy who again cannot cope with the pressures from my parents . Marrying a guy who don’t want to be responsible for me.
3.5years of hard work. Putting my foot down finally to my parents this is the way. Say they will support me yet doubt every effort and natural therapy doctor I chose to trust. Inconveniences not tolerated fully and priority for me to get well was not there.
I wailed to God. Everyone else healed. 3.5years and I am still dealing with infection which is very clear I cannot control my inflammation at all.
I admit defeat. All my ex-colleagues and friends will secretly think I am such a funny person to do this and failed. So much is invested and lost.
It’s a joke.
I faced this alone while I texted my hubby about my sadness and that I admitted all these truths.
He did….. NOTHING.
Not even a text. I will not forget this day he left me all alone to face this hard truth of giving up. I checked in hospital myself and checked out all by myself.
I think he felt forsaken, that day when I made that decision with my dad and not involving him, to stop working temporarily. I left him alone to deal with the finances and he never forgave me. He said I made the decision and just informed him. It’s not a discussion. He felt forced. I myself always succumb to pressures by dad for immediate decision and informing superiors. That day really, was the point of betrayal for hubby. He did want to let go when I moved back. He tried to get intimate with me and I criticized his mum and he felt hatred. That I am so selfish to leave son to be taken care of by MIL and yet I criticsed MIL. I guess he did try.
But I will move on. Time to live on steroids and it’s for life now. Earn money to pay father back, throw cash at hubby and work for charities on my own.
I can be stronger now.
- Itchiness: Severe
- Flaking : Minimal
- Burning skin: Moderate
- Redness: Limbs
- Soreness : Hands, limbs
- Weeping skin : Limbs, Hands
- Mood : Unforgiving
When I have no support whatsoever
When I cannot do the right treatment
When I cannot even launder my bandages properly
Then I destroy and setback the healing
I itch, I suffer, I hate
I m so alone
I am not asking for advices
I just need some prayers
So much bitterness, I cannot lay my eyes on her or her son who resembles her, and my child who in turn resembles his dad and loves her. I no longer see possibility of claiming back my place in my home. I see her, i feel like throwing up. Any physical contact, I irk. She treated me with disgust infront of domestic helper and child, I do the same.
Good advice received: What is the most important role of a parent? To teach your children the right way and to be happy. Sometimes the right way is not the conventional way.
But it matters to me, that parents cannot accept anything other than the conventional way. It matters to me if they feel as if I disgrace them.
The TCM is still working well, I saw progress especially in my hands
then today I had to scratch and sabotage my own healing
I could have faster healing if I am allowed to concentrate on it. Been a month, sticking to it another one. Hope to see persistent healing amidst all the self-sabotaging caused by all my crazy scratching.
- Flaking : Minimal
- Burning skin: Minimal
- Redness: Torso, limbs, face
- Soreness : Hands, limbs, chest, face
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Resigned
Took me a really really long time to learn, not to doubt my own judgement.
Took me a really really long time, to validate my emotions and realise that I am on the same page as anyone given the exact same situation.
I no longer want to question my judgement of morals, reasonableness, “common sense”.
I am not allowed to cook for my son and hubby, because I will spread germs to them. They won’t like my cooking either. you made their meals extra sweet, salty and oily, they find all other foods less flavourful. I watch my son get poisoned with white sugar everyday, getting into the dreaded Sugar Addiction Cycle, and stuffed appetite getting bigger everyday. All that carbs stored as fats making him obese. And for that ONE day a week he goes to my parents you say they overfed him because we feed him a full meal instead of snacking around the clock. How can habits be cultivated over that few hours a week, compared to your stuffing him with sweets and fried foods around the clock ?!
I am not even allowed the simple duty of cooking meesuah and eggs for my son, cause apparently I am poisoning him with alcohol. Please educate yourself, talking as a person who feeds him ceylon tea, bacon, sausages, fishballs, macdonalds every week! I am cooking and evaporating away the alcohol content. Who are you to say my soup is horrible? Yes, it is an acquired taste, it is not as flavourful as your traditional salty and oily cooking and curries, but I have cooked this many times over the years for my family. My family thinks its got the right original taste, and my hubby don’t mind it, so please don’t put your family’s judgement over everyone else’s. Certainly not my hubby’s and son’s.
All the clothes and toiletries I bought for my son are apparently not good enough, only those bought by the Aunt is. Everything from shoes, underwear, insect repellent, toys to stationeries….. etc etc. Is she the mother? Is she taking my place?
Where is the basic respect of asking me as the mother first whenever you guys want to take him out last minute? Its like it does not matter what I have already planned for him. Everything is not as important as the family wanting to bring him out in a rush, and I am supposed to surrender him dropping whatever I am doing.
I am not close to my son cause he always cries for someone else whenever he needs comforting. Funny you say I spoilt my son so he is getting so disobedient at Terrible Twos, even though I hardly get to spend time with him.
How can you take out your temper at my son, when you are having an argument with me or your son? I see your hands tremble and shaking clearly unable to handle your temper, but you hit my son with hangers, pinched him with a clothes peg and left a red handprint on his thigh. You call this discipline? Acting out your temper on my son? Then saying sorry after? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? And yet you say I spoil him even though whenever I try to discipline him, he is taken away for nap, bath, eating or rushing to go out. And I was carrying out disciplinary actions without laying my hands on him, and even if I choose to, it is with a clear mind to educate and not out of temper.
So you told me its okay to feed my son medication meant to be after food like FOUR whole hours after any food. You think I’m stupid? And I asked you to allow me to check with the doctor, and you said no need you are very sure. I did so anyway and I am glad the answer is within half hour. I almost wanted to emphasis how the same amount of food can be digested TWICE in that 4 hours. RIDICULOUS! So you said you raised 4/5 kids and they are all well brought-up. Sure MY ASS! Well brought-up with HBP, high cholesterol, obesity and now I am even more sure, gastric issues!
Then there is one who said my son is aggressive because of the subtle “fighting” at home. Sure. Was it me who yells at another in front of him? Was it me who slammed doors in his presence? Was it me who speaks in harsh sarcasm terms? Was it me laying my hands on him and rough-handling him unable to control my own anger? I am teaching him to be gentle, but I can only see all these bad things influencing him more.
It is then I realised, I am even more stupid to doubt myself, question my acquired long-term knowledge, and allow myself to be confused by these people, to quietly take all this treatments because I feel indebted to these people for taking care of my son in my inability to do my rightful duties. And why should I be concerned of the warning not to shame the family online in blogs or Facebook? Why should I care if I wash dirty linen in public?
Take my son. I already lost him. I did this on my own accord. I married for freedom, and I got freedom. But I lost motherhood cause I didn’t know what I got myself into when I bore a son. I didn’t know I could love this much. I misjudged that the one could give me freedom actually controls so much, and the one I thought would control actually was the one who understands and trusts us to be responsible parents. I didn’t know it hurts so bad to be such a bad mother. And now I leave him to be taken care of by someone else. I cannot claim him back anymore. The day I chose to marry into this family, I lost him even before he was born.
- Itchiness: Severe
- Flaking : Severe
- Burning skin: Minimal
- Redness: Torso, limbs, face
- Soreness : Hands, limbs, face
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Renewed
Sorry about my very abrupt negative post previously.
2 posts back, I reported that my shedding has decreased to a new low, and even shared pictures of my hands in healing.https://zombiebegone.wordpress.com/2016/11/22/22nd-nov-2016-2-years-122days-is-the-zombie-really-leaving-now/
I think, for the whole TSW journey, my hands were at its best then. Actually that was the best healing I had.
Then just before new year, I abruptly shared how I discovered I had prolactinoma and how things took a downturn.
Then now, my hand regressed to this again.
Mainly due to a major change I did not update all, I moved back to live with my hubby and son on 3rd Dec 2016. While my relationship with my hubby improved (he introduced me to his new friends for the new year countdown. we had such a lovely time with beautiful fireworks and my son was so happy.) due to the move, my skin really suffered. It was a toll on me that those newly living with me could not tolerate my awful stench nor the sweet lavender fragrance of my essential oils strangely. I was not allowed to soak my clothes overnight or more than 2 hours, necessary to rid of the oils and stench of my fragrance-free washing by MIL, and yet am complained to about the smell left behind after every shower, and persistent smell from my washed clothes, beddings, etc. I was told off that the utilities bill increased due to my return as I need to cook my meals at home and wash all my bandages. I can’t turn right, I can’t turn left, I decreased my application of my treatments, and washed only when necessary. And TA-DAH, I regressed.
It was the height of the inflammation just a week before my son’s school starts in the new year that I got desperate and seeked whatever my remaining funds could leave me to. I was back to shivering hot and cold, and since I have already put all my funds in NAET and essential oils previously, I chose to seek a strong dose of TCM again. So there, I was STILL reluctant to let TSW go totally. All my hardwork….. I really felt pity for myself.
Daddy watsapp-ed me. http://gingkotcm.com.sg/
This looked familiar. I quickly browsed over to Juliana’s blog.
I contacted Juliana, and after getting some encourgements, and overcoming my disappointment with my previous TCM experiences, I hopped over to the clinic with high hopes.
And I think, I got it right this time.
This sinseh has countless of TSW warriors all healed under his supervision. The first thing he always does for all the sufferers: emphasis on cleaning and disinfecting. This part the sinseh I was with for the first 14months of my TSW did not address, and hence my landing in hospital with eczema herpeticum.
Of course, the first thoughts from the negative part of me “why didn’t I head here sooner?”
Then the positive part of me “Even Juliana only discovered this place in the past year, I wouldn’t have known, better late than never yah?”
He emphasised the messages that got me started on TSW in the first place, how everyone DOES heal and how everyone’s journey differs. And then he said that since I already had been away from steroid past 2 years, he does not think I need suffer too long anymore. He asked me to stay with him for 2 months to see results.
WOW, such confidence.
And within the next few days, my skin did react positively to his herbs and washes. Although the washes stung me badly the first time I used them, I think it was necessary to guard against infection and tone down the inflammation. Usually at this point, the first thoughts that come to my brain will be “could there be steroids in his herbs?” But my Daddy pointed, since I was already contemplating stopping TSW with steroids anyway, why does it matter whether this TCM uses their version of steroids or not?
I was assured his herbs did not contain any. And his explanations fits my understanding of TSW, and what I have been going through in my journey. So, faith renewed and willing, I am sticking to this TCM for the next 2 months at least. I can only keep praying and be diligent as much as I can with my new household.
Meanwhile, finances is almost zero for me. With insurance payments and housing loan payments due, I am desperately searching for a part-time job. But when I do get selected for interviews, employers were doubtful on how long I can last in their air-conditioned offices. I did show some uncertainty in assuring them that as well. I really do not know. I still hurt, and the bottom line is still, that if my hands do not heal, I cannot work.
- Itchiness: Increased
- Flaking : Increased
- Burning skin: Torso
- Redness: Torso, limbs, FACE
- Soreness : Limbs, FACE
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Resigned
With my previous posts few months back, I mentioned my regrets at starting this journey because of health problems created by TSW itself. I did not do enough research to understand immunosuppressants impact to cause delayed healing. I was so eager to start motivated by high possibility that I can have skin and very slight eczema exactly like my mum in just 2 years. But what this TSW brought me was a virus, delayed menses, loss of job and income, demonic face, pain, suffering, lost time with family, etc……
As if that’s not enough, I must have high prolactin (a hormone) levels. I only found out now.
What took me so long? I think there is something about me and research. I just don’t read enough in detail… I miss out important points, get misinformed and don’t bother to question more. Also, there is misleading information that simplifies much complex studies….. The symptoms of TSW are so wide its easy to disregard whatever symptoms experienced. My healing was at such a standstill as noted in earlier posts, I finally made the move to confirm suspected adrenal suppression.
Then there is the thing about public subsidised health service…. first consultation with Endocrine 11th May, like 3/4 consultations with blood test, and then came to know final reason why my period never came in end November….. 7 months! Turns out I do NOT have adrenal suppression, neither do I have thyroid function abnormality (PHEW). But I do have high prolactin levels and early menopause. Suspected prolactinoma had me go through an MRI scan……No tumour was found, but a small lesion of 4mm by 5mm in the pituitary gland……… If I do have a tumour, it might progress to another stage by now.
According to the Endocrinologist, this is easily solved in 6 months with a tiny dose of medication to bring the prolactin levels to normal levels. After that, my menses SHOULD return and early menopause SHOULD halt. He made no promises tho, saying he will review me and then advice.
There is the excessive sweating that I have been putting up with for the past year or so. It is a very common symptoms amongst those recovering with TSW. It bothered me so much I kept questioning the members of Singapore TSW community on how long this stage last. Again, the symptoms varies so widely. Some mentioned a few months, others said a year. I past 1 year and it disrupts alot of my activities, making me stink VERY badly even if I showered. Excessive sweating is also a common symptom for early menopause. What I am saying is, I actually do NOT know whether my excessive sweating is a healing thing, or a menopause thing. ARGH. This is disrupting my social life, my living arrangements, my marriage… etc.
All this confusion. Why?
All these health problems, did I create them with my healing?
All the time and money, did I lose them for nothing?
All this healing, IS THIS A MYTH? AM I DISILLUSIONED?
FINALLY,…… A few more days to steroid decision……… show me the way.
- Itchiness: Manageable
- Flaking : Lesser and Lesser!!!! WOAH
- Burning skin: Minimal
- Redness: Limbs
- Soreness : Limbs
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Wait-and-see
Yes, from the title, I am trying to say, the dead skin flaking has TREMENDOUSLY DECREASED.
Flake situation good, the inflammation situation is restored to a previous state like I was in June this year when Ayurveda previously showed its effects. My situation took a BAADDD downturn from July until September……. Oozing was CRAZY…..the zombie is leaving but the mummy is staying…..I didnt take alot of pictures. I had a bad stench, I was kept away from baby. I was going insane when I wrote my last post (https://zombiebegone.wordpress.com/2016/08/15/15th-aug-2016-2-years-23days-post-2-years-real-skin-update/ ) and wanted to die.
Improvements were seen only past 2 months back to same state in June. So in a way, only flake situation improved. Improvements include:
- Able to floss my teeth with my fingers
- Able to clean my baby’s butt with hands after poo-poo
- Able to tolerate wet wipes with hands
- Able to sit-still and feed baby for whole meals consecutively 5 days (WOO HOO)
- Able to tolerate air-con more and more (YAAAAARRR when can I really stay still at frozen section of supermarkets?)
- Gaining weight and excretion is more regular
- Sleeping more regularly
Milestone for the year: ABLE TO ATTEND MY DEAREST ONE AND ONLY BROTHER’S WEDDING
…..but the price I am paying is H-E-A-V-Y.
As mentioned in my previous post, I had wanted to take my final leap at trying whatever I can afford to this last 4 months before aiming to work come January17.
First, I really WHACKED my body.
Here is the summary of the antibiotics rounds I took. Many of you will be doubtful “is this the right approach?!?!” Seriously, as it turns out YES. I needed it. I have to control the bad downturn. But no steroids, just whacked antibiotics. Under the watchful eyes of a Doctor (not pro-steroid and not TCM sinseh) , and managing gut healing now.
Then, I tried ANYTHING that has strong testimonials, that I haven’t yet tried ALL AT ONCE. I really dried up all my savings. I have never been this poor since I started working.
Here is a glimpse of my monthly treatments, creams and supplement costs, and my intention on how to reduce these costs by 2017 (P.S. I am NOT encouraging anyone to try any of these products, I am just sharing what works for me as a severe TSW case with recurring herpeticum and hormone issues, and most importantly, a “heaty” constitution. So again, everyone requires different treatments! Please do not debate with me on the below usage) :
- Ayurveda and NAET $500 per month (reducing treatments by half come 2017)
- Dr PPARs (300tabs @ $75 per bottle ) $37.50 per month
- Probiotics (30caps @ $60 per bottle) $60 per month
- Omega 3 (180caps @ $81 per bottle) $27 per month (switching to Chia seeds in 2017)
- L-Lysine (100tabs @$12 per bottle) $5 per month
- Ayurvedic Neem extract (60tabs @ $20 per bottle) $20 per month
- Ayurvedic Liver support (60tabs @ $28 per bottle) $28 per month
- Vitamin C (250tabs@ $26 per bottle) $13.00 per month
- SK Bio Zeta-Gen Ionised Active Water Zinc+Magnesium+Selenium trace elements ( @ $60 per month) complimentary
- Distilled water for trace elements consumptions $24 per month
- Bee Magic (@$38 per jar) $152 per month (switching to home-made version in 2017)
- DoTERRA Lavender (@ $36 per 15ml) $144 per month (aiming to reduce to only 1 bottle a mth)
- Cornstarch powder, Vitamin D, Eagle Balm, Piriton (generics), Zyrtec (generics),Micropore tapes approx $20 per month
- Doctors consultation for antihistamines supplies approx $55
- Raw honey $21 per month
- Dermaveen oatmeal shampoo $17 per month
- Octenisan Wash $20 per month
- Simple Deodorant $8 per month
- EGO Pinetarsol Gel wash $13 per month
- Tubifast approximately $10 per month
- Alkaline filters (@$50 per box) $15 per month (to rely on lemons instead)
Totaling a whopping $1,249.50 per month (approximately)
CAN CRY. But hey, its working on the whole, although I cannot pinpoint exactly which one did most for me.
I do notice essential oils helped almost immediately upon application. I never tried essential oils for so long because of some warnings by many prominent members of the Singapore TSW community. With the results, I only regret I didn’t try sooner. My lesions really dry up more and more…. With the plasma reduced, the calves and fingers less swollen, there is less oozing but more blood. AS LONG AS IT IS PROGRESSING. THANK GOD! Progressing to me is healing, so I am glad to see changes, bloody or not.
I didn’t dare try NAET previously because it sounded hocus-pocus to me. It was after some TSW strong testimonials I decided to try. There is not enough scientific reasoning but I cannot deny that my body really responded to the muscle-testing with consistent results. And I did notice I can eat more foods now and am not as reactive. I have gained 5 kgs till 52kgs.
Skin has stopped worsening, but at a snail’s pace. I found myself less hot-tempered with Lena Chen’s help emotionally. With hands healing more, I begun job search with NO success. I finally (MAD 4 months wait!!! what is this!) got my subsidised womb-scan ordered by my Endocrinologist at a government hospital. This led me to another condition that have hampered my healing: high prolactin, early menopause. I made this happen with very bad breast milk pumping schedule management when I was working. A costly MRI scan that I cannot afford is due in 2 weeks, and I am actually very scared.
I am actually really convinced by now, TSW is NOT for me. NOT NOT NOT.
(Most of you will be like “but you are finally healing, and you regret?!?!”)Yes, I lost more than I could afford. I lost my son’s growing up precious times. There is bad impact on my overall health BECAUSE of TSW and I cannot restore this! THE IRONY!! I will write about this in detail in another post.
TSW is for those, who have very strong mindset and supportive families, who do not have other major ailments and only steroid-induced eczema, and who is certain that they can use all the time and money it takes to heal. Only for these people, I think, is it sensible to proceed with TSW.
As a last note, I do not actually think I am doing this all for my son. No, I am not that noble. I actually think I am doing this selfishly for myself at the expense of my husband and son’s financial security. I selfishly do this because I yearn to eat normally, live normally, without crazy itch and allergies. It is for my greed. And I no longer have any resources to pay for this. The last I want to lose, is more of my son’s growing up moments.
- Itchiness: Crazy
- Flaking : Moderate
- Burning skin: Its back baby
- Redness: Whole body
- Soreness : Fingers, palms, inner elbows, arms, face.
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Discouraged
4th April I started Ayurveda. For 3 months from then on, I experienced improvements. Many times when my skin improve, I am actually unsure of its causes. This time its clear, because every time I go for the treatment, skin shows lesions drying up the next day. I will be well for 2 days before skin reds up again and I’ll be due for the next treatment. Hence I was very hyped up to do a positive post showing only good AFTER pictures. I wanted to heal to the extent of smooth skin before doing another skin update.
Weather had been extremely dry and hot, with dengue cases risen to an all time high. I got more adventurous with food intake and I was not as reactive as I had previously been. Life was good and I was able to play with my son longer and accompanied him to enrichment classes!!!! I was so happy. I even met and catch up with friends. I was positive and practised Louise Hay’s positive affirmations, I had energy healing sessions, also audio healing with Lena Chen. I really thought I was on the way to total recovery and was waiting for the major healing everyone mentioned will come at the 2nd year mark.
Alas, the weather changed from extremely hot and dry, to wet and humid from July onwards. Skin took a downturn faster than Ayurvedic medicine could handle.
I started getting depressed again. I lost hope in everything. I experienced my worst oozing ever! I was so scared I’ll need to check back into hospital. Herpeticum also returned, late June, mid July and now in August. The rashes were spreading from the calves to my knees, and now to my inner thighs!!!! New rashes appeared in my inner arms, and elbows were weeping too. I started using drying solutions like potassium permanganate and Betonite Clay. I was wrapping more gauze at my legs, my thighs and then even arms. But I still couldn’t stop the spreading and nothing works long enough. I began to wonder if TCM had previously been suppressing the symptoms too. Then wrote my last post acknowledging that this be my last try at withdrawing from steroids.
So how was I supposed to think? I started this believing that I can be a better mum to a toddler because I was told EVERYONE heals from this if they persist long enough. I thought 2 years I would have significant improvement, but no, things stalled and I am now still unable to work. I in fact discovered why my body is so difficult to treat and activated a virus. I have a timeline, the timeline is my toddler’s age. For him I started this journey, and for him I have to end this journey. He is turning 3 come January 2017, and I am losing him everyday. I won’t want my skin healed but to have him turn away from me, the mother who is never there. Then the healing defeats its purpose! I see no way out.
I am now suffering the discomfort of intense inflammation, and ooze. Most of the symptoms I experienced at my 1st 3 mths are back, just less severe and no trembling. I can only pray this ends soon. Perhaps I may be forced to go back on steroids sooner than I thought…. because there is only so much I can take. 25mths, Its been too long. There are some friends who are supportive whichever decision I make, and some of them actually agreeing that I should stop if it risks my sanity / family relationships. And these are wise experience individuals. I am blessed to have them justify my concerns as real.
I pray still, I pray still everyday for a huge turnaround. A miracle stop to the misery, a wonderful hands healing.
22nd July 2016 / 2 years – The Big Revelation Ending the Stagnant Phase, and Standing at the Crossroads
- Itchiness: Crazy
- Flaking : Moderate
- Burning skin: Its back baby
- Redness: Whole body
- Soreness : Fingers, palms, inner elbows, arms.
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Reorganised
The timeline I was led to believe that I should be around 70% healed, moved back home to being a mother and wife, and earning an income.
Nothing like that.
Would I have started this journey, had I known that:
- I faced a stagnant phase of over 1 year with no healing, contracted Herpes Simplex virus, and then not sure if my “healing” wrecked my body upside-down instead
- I lost my job, finances in the red, dragged my family down with me
- Ironically, it IS indeed a better quality of life that first made me embark this journey: the promise of better able to enjoy life with my son after 2 years of agony….
But now, everyday I am losing whatever quality I have had.
The answer is obvious: NO. The purpose of the healing is gone.
Believe me when I say its a test of my sanity, when I was lost in recurring herpeticum since June 2015, trying to keep positive seeking help from those who healed to assure me I am on the right track. Half the time thinking whether I am lying to myself, and if I am a victim to an “internet healing hoax”. I was going in and out of depression, frustrated with slow progression of recovery. Went for adrenal test, hormonal tests….. I even questioned my religion. I am better now after a little counselling from a spiritual point of view.
It took me ONE WHOLE YEAR on 1st July 2016, before it came to light that the thing that is delaying my healing, is the herpes simplex virus. I think my last TCM sinseh did try to highlight to me, but he told me in a way my dumb brain didn’t link it to my whole TSW progress. Until around a month ago, my Ayurveda doctor put it directly for me, saying the words “the virus stays in your body, forever, there is no cure for all viruses in all medical practices. You must manage it as part of your system now, or it will keep disturbing your healing progress.” That was my big A-HA moment. The one day I cannot control my herpes simplex virus , the one more day I am facing super slow progress.
There, my dumbass brain wasted one year. ONE YEAR of precious time. The lost time with my baby, the lost income, the agony, the sanity, the…. ARGH!
A fellow eczema sufferer who lived through cyclosporin, prenisolone & now azathioprine, put it in perspective for me very well:
“While I respect your wishes to follow the non western route to healing but have you asked yourself, what is the cost? When you ultimately tally the opportunity costs involved here versus our years on earth, the answer is telling. ……………………
But sadly, having strongly believed all the TSW testimonials, I didn’t foresee all these, and I AM in the journey, like it or not. So I am left with:
- make good my losses, continue to seek healing since Ayurveda is helping and get healed.
- cut my losses before I lose even more (relationships, property, finances, sanity), go back to steroids.
Discussed with my hubby, decided to go for another 10 months of healing. If no lasting progress is seen / Ayurveda improvements come to a halt like all other treatments, to go back to steroids.
There are those who judge (already know who will), some who feel that all the more I cannot quit else what I have lost, I lost for nothing. Before they do, please, try running around like a headless chicken for a prolonged period. NO support, no directions, no one with a certain answer. You are left with your own guesses, lying to yourself and your faith, sanity and religion. Try that. Then judge me.
- Itchiness: Bearable
- Flaking : Moderate
- Burning skin: Moderate
- Redness: Whole body, stressing hands and face
- Soreness : Limbs, neck
- Weeping skin : Limbs
- Mood : Pissed
Throughout TSW, I frequently experience kind-hearted strangers coming up to either me or my mother to recommend some treatments or doctors. Mostly are good experiences that reminds me most people are helpful. Most bad experiences are those with hard-selling (relentless asking for over hundreds and disguised as very friendly super concerned strangers) sales people for filtration systems, creams, aroma oils, supplements, health foods, etc. Today, I had a bad experience of a different kind, and that made me want to touch on previous experiences as well.
Sometime last year, might be February 16, I was in the bus with my mum, huddling and scratching away in my seat, when an old uncle seated behind me called out to me, so loud the WHOLE bus could hear him.
“Miss ah, miss, I have a doctor. He is very good! I was very itchy, and I couldn’t sleep. It was so miserable, I never had skin issues. But I went to him once, and he gave me a cream and its very good. Go see this doctor, next stop, at Old Airport Market.”
And yes, so now the WHOLE bus knows there is this lady seating near him with skin issues now. He was pointing out to a Family Physician. I guess, yeah, if one never had skin issues and suddenly was given steroid cream and it controlled well, you would think it is a good cream. Until you realise it keep returning and gets worse? The most annoying thing is, he expected me to get down the bus straight away to see this wonderful General Practitioner….. ah….. My mum told him in hush tones I see specialist over 25 years and am still under the care of one and thanked him. But he wouldn’t relent and asked me to get down the bus immediately. I respectfully smiled at him and nodded my head, until the bus moved off the stop at Old Airport Road. He realised I wasn’t going to head his advice and stopped talking. Two more stops, and he alighted the bus. Just before he did, he nudged me to “please do see the doctor”. Embarrassing, but I appreciated his concern. Sweet old man.
Then there are those who are wary of approaching me directly as they fear my reaction, and chose to speak with the company I was in instead…… usually my mum as I don’t really go out with people since TSW. There was this other time around 30th December 15 last year, when I was at the airport with my husband and his travel partner, having a meal at the staff canteen, I noticed an Indian middle-aged man kept watching me. Quite accustomed to stares already, I just shrugged it off. I walked away from our table to order some food, and this Indian man approached my hubby’s travel partner sitting alone there. When I returned to the table, he had finished sharing with a handwritten note, the web address of an Indian doctor. Actually, thinking back, this might be an Ayurvedic doctor. Had I taken that advise, who knows, I might have seen healing 3 months earlier (I started Ayurveda sometime in 4th April)………
And now for today’s unhappy one…… I don’t usually go out to crowded places, but these few weekends, I felt fine enough to lunch out with my baby and my mother. On a Saturday like that, I know I get more stares. Today I had plenty stares lunching at Parkway Parade as my hands were in very bad shape…. red and swollen. This elderly lady, (strangely dressed as sloppily as I am), carrying several bags and walking with a slight limp, approached my mother. She started chatting quite loudly, while I was already walking quite far in front carrying my beautiful little one. Mum called out to me to stop and turn back. I walked towards them and the lady rudely held up one of her palms towards me “stop, don’t get close to me.”
I shrugged “ok”. At this point I was NOT offended… YET.
Then she carried on to tell my mum certain baths to try with leaves that we have already heard of, and the VERY BASIC food restrictions (seafood) I think ANY skin patient’s mum will be aware of…. she carried on and on, until suddenly she turned to me to tell me “Do not scratch, I know how it feels but you must not scratch, See you have blisters already, you will not get well.” After which she turned back to my mum to talk about yet super BASIC food restrictions (dairy).
At this point, I was irritated enough. Ask any eczema / psoriasis patient, if we can stop itching, believe me, we would. This is not a mosquito bite. Try our itch for 5 mins, you will find that while you have 2 hands to scratch where the itch is most relentless, 10 hands are not ever enough.
I interrupted her speech to mum “all these, we are aware of already.”
She felt the angst in my voice, “I am just sharing my personal experience, and I healed.”
“So how long have you had it?”
“From when I was very young like 4 till around 14. And I was cured, so I tell your mum how to get there”
ENOUGH SAID. Someone with childhood eczema (albeit 10 years is a long time), claims to know how to heal eczema, yet does NOT know eczema is NOT contagious to be fearful of being close to me is judging that I do not know my 25 years of strict diets, physical activities restrictions and crazy skin care regimes, countless pills and creams??? Please, you healed because you had natural eczema without using too much steroid creams and you outgrew it like most SHOULD. You were cleverer and luckier, fine. Do not come teaching me when you don’t even know its not contagious. And I doubt you had a severe experience if you are so insensitive to such feelings, because you never had them yourself!
I know she meant well…. I had for several months been nasty to such people… even kind ones…. especially those selling me stuff.
I always feel sorry after tho. ;(
Yeah, I am losing it.
15th Apr 2016 / 1yr 267days – On Energy Healing, Reiki, Brandon Bays ‘The Journey’ and Spiritual Healing
- Itchiness: Mild
- Flaking : Mild
- Burning skin: Mild
- Redness: Whole body
- Soreness : Mild
- Weeping skin : Limbs, perioral region
- Mood : Sleepy
I want to touch on a topic I have been ranting about, but never really came to tell how I finally am coping with it.
My emotional stress with family, depression and hatred for life and such. I recognise that even if I heal from TSW, I will keep suffering rebounds like many healed warriors because of stress. Most suffer rebounds from work stress. But for me, work was my escape. I know I must learn how to handle this facing it head on and not hide from it at the office, else my eczema will never go away. This was also highlighted by my hubby.
Finally, come October, I seeked help. I did highlight in a previous post, I was listening alot to Louise Hay else I would have gone insane already. I voiced this to my friend and my TCM Sinseh. Both of them got worried and came with help. My friend recommended a Reiki healer, and my TCM Sinseh recommended an energy healer.
On Energy Healing
This Vietnamese-French lady was recommended by my Sinseh. When we first met, I made clear I cannot afford anything too expensive. She assured me that she is doing out of goodwill, and will not charge me. I was blessed. She tried to understand my concern, and chose to work both on the physical aspect as well as the mental aspect. She had me relax, and lie down on the bed, eyes closed, before she starts. She wanted me to relax to the point of being asleep. What she did, was very similar to what is done in this video.
I could really feel the heat from her hands. I was astonished as I have never experienced that from anyone. She feedback that there is some problem with my left leg, and my womb. She wanted me also to free my heart by writing down my feelings every time I felt strong anger / hurt / depression and such. Also, she asked me to note that night, whether I felt any strong emotions.
Which I did. I cried that night. I felt really sad. I am not sure where that sadness came from. But she said it was good release.
We had 2 more sessions after that, like 2/3 weeks apart each time. I felt really bad making her rush to suit my timing and so gave her a small token I can afford each time. We also had 3 distant session, even while she was overseas. But she didn’t really address on my depression, more of the physical pain / eczema. But after each time, I either felt anger or sadness and cried for release. But I know this is not a long-term solution. I need to LEARN to deal with the stress. I needed more.
On Reiki Healing
Ok this one really didn’t do much for me. I did this concurrently with the energy healing above, through the month of October till November. This lady was recommended by my friend and again helped me out of goodwill, no charges. She said she felt alot of angst in me. So much, I actually rejected her healing at the 1st session and she could see a child kicking her legs in anguish. Each session was carried out in distant, meaning, she was not with me to do it. She just let me know the time and day she is doing it, and I will have to relax at a the specific location, not doing anything requiring too much attention, but relaxed. Each time, I felt a certain heat at my neck. But that was that. She felt that there is strain on my throat chakra, that I am unable to speak up for myself, and the anger was too deeply buried to be addressed easily. For her healing, I have to soak my feet in hot salt water everyday.
Each session was 1 week apart, with a total of 4 sessions.
On the 3rd session, she wanted me to draw pictures, anything that comes to mind, with all the colour pens available to me. I explained to her I am at my father’s house, and there really isn’t much colour pens I can get hold of. She said, its ok, just make the best of it. And so, this is my “beautiful” art piece. HAHAHAH What do you make of it? She noted my frequent use of red to signify again that anger was the strongest emotion in me….. hmmm
She also had affirmations for me to say everyday. I still say them today. I feel it is a helpful way to get your day started on a positive note. We met each other after the last session. She blessed me with a soap that she claimed had all the positive energy with it. I gave her a very small token that I could afford to thank her for her time and constant counselling for the past month.
On Brandon Bays ‘The Journey’
I was told, by the same friend who introduced the Reiki healer, that the best emotional healing she got was from this lady using “The Journey” patented by Brandon Bays. It builds on Louise Hay’s teachings, and training is given to emotional healers to carry out this process called “The Journey” to help emotions be thoroughly released. It worked very well for my friend. And because I tried the above two methods without much success at controlling my emotions when facing stressful situations , I asked her to quickly arrange for my 1st session before I start work.
The healer contacted me and we met, for the first time, outdoors at a Macdonald’s restaurant. According to her, there is only 2 accredited Brandon Bay’s “The Journey” practitioners in Singapore, she being one of them. Apparently you have to “upkeep” your skill by attending conferences, reading, etc.
This healing is NOT cheap. Every time I pay around $250 to $300. But by this time I felt really desperate as I can literally feel my brain breaking apart, my heart pierced by knives, and sleep frowning and clenching my jaws really hard till it hurts every night. I felt like I am losing sanity and I was feeling anger and hatred every day. I ranted to everyone, but everyone who tried to talk to me realised they weren’t getting through to me. I wasn’t listening at all. People gave up, and I don’t blame them.
Being so stuck, I was eager to start this therapy, full of anticipation and hope that I can finally control my thoughts and anger. This method keeps focusing on having you travel back in time to your childhood, to recall the events that first created the deep emotional wounds, and have you imagine talking to your perpetrators how they really hurt you. With this, it is regarded that you would have “released” the hidden emotions, and healing is somewhat achieved.
Even tho the healer insisted that I did release my emotions during the healing sessions, I really didn’t feel there was deep release. But the session did reveal and “confirm” my deepest fears. I was glad to have found them out and better understand my behaviour. This healer was sooooooooo patient. I really appreciate her not giving up on me when it was apparent I was not able to forgive. She kept counselling me, for the same issue again and again, even outside the sessions via watsapp. She was never picky on the time I cost her and always responds in my time of need. She’s a real angel.
And so I spent the money….. 3 sessions. That around $700. The lady did not expect payment from me until I got my pay a month later. That helped me plan the finances. I stopped the therapy as although some healing and self-realisation was done, it still didn’t help me cope with facing the stress as it happens. I still had anger rising up every time I was provoked with the same situation again and again, hurting myself and loved ones around me.
I needed something yet more impactful.
On Spiritual Healing
This is a little on the……. erm…. psychic level. But I am not exaggerating to say, that I REALLY released with his 1st session, more than ALL of the other healing sessions I have experienced ADDED TOGETHER. I cried hard, deep and painful. I re-lived my pain, confirmed my doubts, I validated how I felt, I expressed the suppressed hatred….. all in this one session.
For this healing, you do not rely on yourself to remember your forgotten childhood past… which, hey to be honest, is really difficult and ineffective for me. Because the healer is psychic, he is able to jerk your memory and remind that pain FOR YOU. He challenged what you believed was true, and reveal to you the real truths. That felt so RIGHT with new corrected understanding, and so the REALLY strong emotions surfaced. Because I really remember how I was wounded in the past now, I really feel the angst, despair and hate. I felt the really personal issues are exposed and touched upon. I felt real understanding, real healing. Also priced highly at close to $300 per session, this is money REALLY REALLY REALLY well-spent. I have never met anyone who can help me like that. I felt PEACE, relieved and that my prayer for help was really answered.
It took me 2 sessions to finish “digging” my issues and learning the techniques to cope with the stressful situations as it comes up. They require practice. I am still practicing.
According to the healer, healing can be done and I can indeed learn to control my stress so that I don’t rebound when TSW ends. I HOPE IT CAN BE DONE! IT MUST BE DONE!
ON CYCLE OF NEGATIVITY
I learnt that if I keep whining about the same ailment, and talking about the same depressing issues to no end, people get sick of it. Be it my own mother, my hubby, my friends, doctors, nurses, even fellow TSW sufferers…… no one can tolerate listening to the same shit over and over again.
I STILL sometimes get back in the cycle of negativity, and when very depressed people cannot get through to me. Most people understand and leave me alone. However, sometimes I do have people snapping on me. Guess what, they are NOT helping. Being aggressive to an already depressed person who is not listening is only making things worse. I shut off more, and the hatred grows. No I do not intend to forgive. Because, who are you to judge me? Do you know why I behave the way I do? Are you aware of my ridiculously strict upbringing? Do you understand the pain I face time and again? Do you know how my yearning for freedom surfaced? Do you think you handle your life better than most? If you cannot listen, just turn away. So maybe you are a “non-nonsense go-getter” and cannot tolerate whiny people. Guess you don’t realise everyone has different threshold of mental strength / emotional pain. I do not need any lessons from you. I just need a listening empathetic ear, not be judged for my needed pace to learn to handle my life better.
You may give up on me, I shall not give up on myself. And if you think your way is actually able to wake me up, please give your time to someone else that may need that method to wake up. I need someone really patient, and not judgemental like you. I’ll put up with your place in my life for now, when it’s all over, please let us not contact anymore.